What You Allow
One of the biggest threats to your leadership, and to your career, is what you are allowing to drive you. Fear. Ambition. Ego. Insecurity. The need to prove yourself. The sting of being overlooked or treated unfairly. None of these make you a bad leader. They make you human. The issue is when you allow them to drive.
Imagine you have been leading a major initiative for the past year. You have performed amazingly, built relationships, solved several systemic problems, and moved the organization forward. A new opportunity emerges, and feels like the next natural step for you. However, you are not chosen.
What actually happened, a decision was made and you weren't selected. You do not know everything that went into the decision. It may sting, but those are the facts. Unfortunately, that is rarely where our mind stops.
Your mind begins filling in the gaps. They don't see what I bring. After everything I have done, how could they not include me? Maybe I have been wasting my time here, maybe I am not as valued as I thought. Or perhaps the internal story goes a different direction. They made the wrong decision. I am more qualified. And before long the story begins influencing how you lead. You may pull back, become guarded, stop sharing freely. Maybe you work even harder because you are determined to prove your value. Or you look for evidence to confirm what you believe is the truth.
Being disappointed is not the issue, disappointment is human and the decision may, in fact, have been unfair. The problem is that somewhere along the way you allowed disappointment, fear, ego, ambition and insecurity to take the lead.
This is where ownership matters. Ownership doesn't require you to pretend the decision was fair. It doesn't mean you shouldn't advocate for yourself, ask questions or challenge something that needs to be challenged. It means recognizing the difference between what happened, the story you're telling yourself about what happened, and what you choose to do next. You may not own the decision, but you absolutely own what you allow that decision to do to you.
Ownership turns our attention toward the thing where we have the greatest leverage, what I choose to do next. Sometimes ownership means accepting something and moving forward. Sometimes it means speaking up. Sometimes it means setting a boundary. Sometimes it means asking for feedback. Sometimes it means challenging a decision. And sometimes it means deciding that a situation no longer deserves your energy and walking away.
When you own it, you begin recognizing that your emotions, ambitions, insecurities, ego, experiences and fears are always in the room with you. You don't necessarily choose whether they show up. You do get to choose how much authority you give them. The challenge, of course, is that this is much easier to recognize after the fact. In the moment, when you are disappointed, angry, threatened or determined to prove yourself, the story you are telling yourself can feel exactly like the truth.
That is why the first and best tool is always, the pause. Before you react, pull back, push harder or make your next move, take a moment to examine what is happening within you. You do not need to eliminate the emotion. You need enough distance from it to decide whether it deserves to influence what you do next.
I use three lenses to help make that distinction: confidence, humility and self-awareness. Together, they help you stay grounded in what you know, remain open to what you may not know, and recognize when something other than your best judgment has started to take the lead.
Confidence: Do I trust myself enough to make the decision, have the conversation or take the risk?
Confidence reminds you that a setback, someone else's decision or even a failure does not erase what you know about your own abilities. It keeps disappointment from turning into self-doubt.
Humility: Am I genuinely open to the possibility that someone else sees something I don't?
Humility creates room for information you may not have. It allows you to ask questions, seek feedback and consider another perspective without diminishing your own value. Confidence says, I know what I bring. Humility says, And I may not have the whole picture.
Self-awareness: What is influencing me right now, my own fear, ego, need for approval or ambition? Instead of, what is best for the situation.
Self-awareness is where you notice who or what is leading. Maybe it is fear telling you to retreat. Ego telling you to prove them wrong. Ambition telling you that you have to win. Or insecurity telling you that this decision says something about your worth.
None of those feelings need to disappear before you move forward. You simply need to recognize them for what they are and consider their impact on your judgment. Allowing yourself the space to thoughtfully walk through each of these, will position you to consider the next best step. That may be asking for feedback. Having the difficult conversation. Advocating for yourself. Acknowledging something you need to work on. Continuing to perform at a high level. Or deciding it is time to move in a different direction.
The Three-part Leadership Check:
Confidence: Do I trust myself enough to make the decision, have the conversation, or take the risk?
Humility: Am I genuinely open to the possibility that someone else sees something I don't?
Self-awareness: What is influencing me right now, my own fear, ego, need for approval, or ambition? Instead of, waht is best for the situation.
